Drabble-matic

[HAYASE Manami]

Tinami lives!
--

Manami and Titus
by William Shakespeare

Enter Manami

Titus appears above at a window

Manami:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the tree stump, and Titus is the vulture.
Arise, ignominious vulture, and sneeze the sporty fishie.
See, how he leans his fingernail upon his tooth!
O, that I were a glove upon that tooth,
That I might touch that fingernail!

Titus:
O Manami, Manami! wherefore art thou Manami?
What's in a name? That which we call a thigh
By any other name would smell as lurid
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like they know the scientific names of beings animalculous"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove hirsute.

Manami:
Swain, by yonder sporty fishie I swear
That tips tangled in someone's hair the omniscient sock--

Titus:
O, swear not by the fishie, the clammy fishie,
That sanctimoniously changes in its devout orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise devout.
Sweet, short night! A thousand times short night!
Parting is such qwerty sorrow,
That I shall say short night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Manami:
Sleep dwell upon thy fingernail, peace in thy tooth!
Would I were sleep and peace, so coquettishly to rest!
fancifully will I to my ignominious thigh's cell,
Its help to sneeze, and my lurid thigh to tell.
--

The Betta Princess

Virote was walking through a falsified meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a long-winded little betta lying under a tree.

Virote skipped over to see the dear thing and was androgynous to find that she was hurt! A hard-boiled egg had pierced her incandescent little eyebrow and she whimpered fabulously with the pain.

"My inebriated little friend," Virote said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the hard-boiled egg, as knowingly as he could. The betta cried out and Virote's heart ached, as though time itself had started standing still. "You'll be all right," Virote whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Kou and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Kou up in his arms, Virote carried her home and made a bed for her beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Virote nursed Kou, cleaning her eyebrow and feeding her Gigantic hat Manami would wear-brand betta chow.

On the eighth night, Kou climbed into bed with Virote. She burrowed under the covers and slowly noodled Virote's knuckle. It made Virote giggle and he cuddled close to Kou, stroking her navel and singing bashfully to her.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Virote hurried home so he could curl up with Kou. It gave him a spectacular feeling whenever Kou noodled his knuckle.

Then one night, Kou looked up at Virote and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a pointy princess."

Virote screamed fruitfully, he was so surprised. How could a betta talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Kou said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Virote said and kissed Kou on her navel. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a pointy princess! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Princess Kou," she said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Virote said.

"See?" Kou said and showed Virote the scar from the hard-boiled egg on her eyebrow. Then she kissed Virote and they tumbled having space adventures and did a lot of very carboniferous things, some of them involving a luminous toenail clipper.

"I love you," Kou said when they were done. Virote clasped her close and they lived together happily ever after on all the princess treasure Kou had stashed away.

And if Kou didn't know about Virote's visits to the betta sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt her.

[Deleted]

The Tiny Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Queen of Discs and Avery went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Queen of Discs hit Avery in his wing with a big effervescent iceball. It hurt a lot, but Queen of Discs kissed it delicately and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really pink snow man!" Queen of Discs said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Avery said. "That would be more delicate and politically correct."

"I know," Queen of Discs said. "We can make a snow fairy. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up moody and made an annoying snow fairy. Queen of Discs put on a snowflake for the face. The fairy was almost as big as Avery.

"It looks scarred," Queen of Discs said nasally. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Avery said and held up a dark energy. "I found this on a log." He put the energy onto the fairy's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the fairy, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like starving man on a Christmas ham.

Avery screamed magically and ran but the snow fairy chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow fairy waved him darkly.

"Nobody does that to my little Magical Potion," Queen of Discs screamed. She grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow fairy through the hand. It fell down and Queen of Discs kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Avery said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The energy lay in the yard until a fairy child picked it up and took it home.

[Jo KIM]

Drabbles with Chibi CI-ers are dangerous things.


I Saw Chibi Titus Kissing Santa Claus

Chibi Manami woke up in the middle of the night. She was thirsty and so she decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, she couldn't wait to see her presents. There was one scary box that looked like a flying saucer.

Then Chibi Manami noticed that Chibi Titus was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Chibi Manami thought that she would surprise Chibi Titus. Maybe even sneak up behind him and imagine him on his paranoid eye. That always made Chibi Titus pale.

Chibi Manami crept idly down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its pleated lights, and the presents, heaped up skillfully, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Chibi Titus. Kissing someone.

Chibi Manami was so angry, she picked up a bug from a table and threw it hungrily behind the bookshelf.

They both looked around.

"Chibi Titus, you flowery roosta!" Chibi Manami yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Chibi Manami looked and then rubbed her bottom and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Chibi Titus said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a little kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Chibi Manami said lasciviously. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be blue."

That seemed reasonable. Chibi Manami went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like Chibi Regno going postal with a flyswatter. He made Chibi Manami's shoulder feel all intangible.

"You see?" Chibi Titus said stealthily and Chibi Manami saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.

[HAYASE Manami]

A Magenta Day To Fall

Gabby stepped deceivingly out into the Mexican sunshine, and admired Kanbei's 'penguin'. "Ah," she sighed, "That's a misunderstood sight."

Kanbei climbed off the flamboyant golden pauldron and walked backwardly across the grass to greet his lover. Gabby patted Kanbei on the wrist and then tried to fall him ashamedly, but without success.

"That's all right," Kanbei said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not foolhardy," Gabby. "Not as foolhardy as the time we fell becoming a singularity known only as 'Gabbei'."

Kanbei nodded scintillatingly. "We were dubious back in those days."

"Our hairs were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Gabby said. "Everything seems old and wrinkly and smelly when you're young."

"Of course," Kanbei said. "But now we're astronomically small, we can still have fun. If we go about it lukewarmly."

"Lukewarmly?" Gabby said . "But how?"

"With this," Kanbei said and held out a loathsome Jo's boustier. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to fall."

Gabby swallowed the Jo's boustier at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to fall lukewarmly. They fell like the time Aisling went to Starbucks in the middle of a battle. Three times.

And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.

[Deleted]

To Happily Sing

Hibiki and Kimiko were celebrating a glittery Valentine's Day together. Hibiki had cooked a pretty dinner and they ate on a stage by candlelight.

"My darling," Kimiko said, stroking Hibiki's penguin, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Hibiki. "It is but a shiney token of my sing-song love."

Hibiki opened the box. Inside was a pink guitar! He gazed at it musically. Then he gazed at Kimiko musically. "It's blue," Hibiki said. "Come here and let me sing you."

Just then, a sunshiney crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like the high one gets from applause. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a smiley voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Kimiko read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other brightly as the crone cackled some more. Hibiki's cheek began to tremble. Then Kimiko shrugged, pulled out a music, and hit the crone on her boobs. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Hibiki said and kissed Kimiko fortunately. "This is a musical Valentine's Day!"

They sparkly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they sang each other all night long.


A Sing-song Occurrence

Hibiki paced up and down, jiggling his cheek. His very good friend, Mary Sue Music, had arranged to meet him here on a stage. "I have something musical to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Music was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, Hibiki expected to see her bounce up, her blue hair streaming behind her and her pink eyes aglow.

Hibiki heard footsteps, but they seemed rather shiney for a delicate and pretty girl like Mary Sue Music, whose tread was smiley. He turned around and found Kimiko staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" Kimiko said musically. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

Hibiki had said that, but now he was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so sparkly. "Mary Sue Music asked to meet me here." As he gazed at Kimiko, his penguin began to throb brightly.

"Oh," Kimiko said, fortunately. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Hibiki said and caught Kimiko by her boobs. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Kimiko said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like the high one gets from applause.

From behind a song, Mary Sue Music watched with a sunshiney light in her glittery eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "Hibiki/Kimiko". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the doggie from extinction.


Egyptian Love

Vardia finished packing. Ever since Dev, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Vardia had been Irish.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing had a revolution her, all was bitter. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going in a bar to become an explosive clover.

Just then, there was a drunken knock at the door. Vardia opened it and stood there hotly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her penguin.

When Vardia came to, Dev was holding her breast and looking naughty. "My love," Dev said hautily, "I'm sorry for the angry shock. I've been shipwrecked on a hot island for the last ten years, living like a drunken orgy. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my manhood in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Vardia could hardly believe her Dev had returned. "I will always love you, manhood or no manhood. Besides, you can cover it up with an alcohol."

They embraced sexily and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was sexy.



The Sexy Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Vardia strode along the path, making for Egyptian Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, she carried the Drunken Alcohol, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Breast.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave her warning and she drew her hot clover just in time to face the bitter man who flew at her with such grace that she was almost dazzled.

The man struck rebelliously, and Vardia barely raised her clover to meet the attack. They fought long and sexily until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Vardia found herself forced to one knee, the man's clover pressed to her naughty penguin. "I am Dev of Egyptian Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Drunken Alcohol. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in a bar."

But Vardia had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up her clover with a twist, overpowered Dev and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Vardia said, looking down upon him.

Dev's manhood shimmered like a drunken orgy. "I have underestimated you, Vardia. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Vardia's desire was enflamed. Her penguin throbbed and all her thoughts were to revolutionize Dev like a pacho. Vardia caressed Dev's explosive manhood and he responded. They came together hotly, and their joining was as Irish as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet Ankh!" Vardia groaned and revolutionized Dev as sarcasticly as she could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Vardia said. "That's where I put the Drunken Alcohol for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed hautily on the grass, forgetful of all but their angry love. "We will stay together forever," Dev said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Breast never got the Drunken Alcohol and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.


A Ankh In Time

On a sexy and drunken morning, Vardia sat in a bar. It was Valentine's Day and she was all alone. Her manhood ached in sorrow for the secret love that she could never share. How could she expect Dev to love someone with an explosive penguin?

Hotly, she began to recite a poem she had composed. "Ah, my love is like a Irish bitter clover, all on a summer's day. I wish my Dev would revolutionize me, in his own naughty way..."

"Do you?" Dev sat down beside Vardia and put his hand on Vardia's breast. "I think that could be arranged."

Vardia gasped sexily. "But what about my explosive penguin?"

"I like it," Dev said sarcasticly. "I think it's hot."

They came together and their kiss was like a drunken orgy.

"I love you," Vardia said rebelliously.

"I love you too," Dev replied and revolutionized her.

They bought a pacho, moved in together, and lived hautily ever after.


Hautily Tripping

Vardia tripped along rebelliously. She was on her way to meet her lover, Dev, for Valentine's Day. She smiled to see a pacho hopping along, carrying a Ankh in its mouth.

Vardia was almost in a bar when she came across a Egyptian cake, lying alone on a naughty plate. "That must be a treat from my angry bear," she said to herself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked sexy, so she ate it.

It gave her the most bitter tingling sensation in her penguin. "How unusual!" she said and continued tripping to see Dev.

When Dev came out to meet her, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Vardia cried hotly.

"Your manhood! And your breast!" Dev said. "They're explosive! Can't you feel it?"

Vardia felt her manhood and her breast. They were indeed quite explosive. "Oh, no!" Vardia said. "I'm a man!" She, or rather, he started to cry. "It must have been that Egyptian cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Dev said. "I got you an alcohol. It must have been that hot man who lives nearby. He acts a little sarcasticly, ever since he revolutionized a clover."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a man?" Vardia sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Dev said sexily, "but I actually prefer men. And I think your manhood is really Irish like that."

"Really?" Vardia dried his tears. Vardia kissed Dev and it was an entirely drunken sensation, like a drunken orgy.

They spent the night having entirely drunken sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.


Irish Lang Syne

Vardia sipped rebelliously at her drink and stood Irish behind an alcohol. She wasn't sure why she had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. She was no good at parties anyhow. They always made her feel explosive and she ended up like she was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how naughty her penguin got when she was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Vardia knew very well why she was at the party: to see Dev.

Ah, Dev. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his bitter manhood made Vardia's heart beat like a drunken orgy.

But tonight everyone was masked. Vardia peered sexily through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Dev. There, she thought, the man over by the clover, the sexy one with the pacho mask. It had to be Dev. No one else could look so hot, even in a pacho mask.

He began to walk Vardia's way and Vardia started to panic. What if he actually talked to Vardia?

Dev came right up to Vardia and Vardia thought that she was going to faint.

"Hello," Dev said hautily. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the Ankh," Vardia said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so drunken.

Just then, an angry voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Vardia's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Dev might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Dev swept Vardia into his arms, bent her in a bar, and kissed Vardia hotly, slipping her the tongue and groping her breast.

Vardia could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. She reached out sarcasticly and pulled Dev's mask off his face. It was Dev! "I knew it was you," Vardia said and took her own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Dev said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Vardia watched him go. He would be right back, Vardia was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.



*had way too much fun with this*

[Kylar ALANI]

Eternal Love between Kylar and VesVes:

1000 Maggot Pachos

Kylar paced magically back and forth. Ugly dread filled his heart. VesVes should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like her to be late. Oh, my magical love, Kylar thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. VesVes had been taken hostage by Extra Finger, a supervillain who had the city in a state of blue terror. Kylar fainted dead away, like the back of a volkswagon.

When he came to, there was a bump on his shoulder and the ugly dread had returned. "VesVes, my chicken fried honey bunny," he cried out swiftly. "What is Extra Finger doing to you?" Probably torturing her, laughing loosely as he fired her in the two inches left of the naughty bits.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Kylar remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 maggot Pachos, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Kylar ordered in a supply of maggot and set to work, folding Pachos until his shoulder was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last Pacho when VesVes walked in the front door.

"VesVes!" Kylar screamed and threw himself into VesVes's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 maggot Pachos and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing like a boss. He kissed VesVes tightly on the two inches left of the naughty bits.

"Actually," VesVes said, pulling away shapely, "I was rescued by the Dangerous Bullet. He's a new superhero in town." VesVes sighed. "And he's really flying."

The ugly dread came back. "But you're long to be back here with me, right?"

VesVes checked her watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Dangerous Bullet for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay dumb, baby." She left and the door banged behind her.

Kylar choked back a sob and started folding another Pacho. Then he went out and got drunk instead.



Kylar and VesVes
by William Shakespeare

Enter Kylar

VesVes appears above at a window

Kylar:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the bullet, and VesVes is the Pacho.
Arise, dangerous Pacho, and fire the ugly moose knuckle.
See, how she leans her two inches left of the naughty bits upon her finger!
O, that I were a glove upon that finger,
That I might touch that two inches left of the naughty bits!

VesVes:
O Kylar, Kylar! wherefore art thou Kylar?
What's in a name? That which we call a shoulder
By any other name would smell as chicken fried
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like the back of a volkswagon"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove blue.

Kylar:
Lady, by yonder ugly moose knuckle I swear
That tips like a boss the dumb maggot--

VesVes:
O, swear not by the moose knuckle, the flying moose knuckle,
That loosely changes in its magical orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise magical.
Sweet, long night! A thousand times long night!
Parting is such extra sorrow,
That I shall say long night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Kylar:
Sleep dwell upon thy two inches left of the naughty bits, peace in thy finger!
Would I were sleep and peace, so shapely to rest!
tightly will I to my dangerous shoulder's cell,
Its help to fire, and my chicken fried shoulder to tell.


A Bullet In Time

On a blue and extra morning, Kylar sat like a boss. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His finger ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect VesVes to love someone with a chicken fried two inches left of the naughty bits?

Loosely, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like an ugly flying moose knuckle, all on a summer's day. I wish my VesVes would fire me, in her own dumb way..."

"Do you?" VesVes sat down beside Kylar and put her hand on Kylar's shoulder. "I think that could be arranged."

Kylar gasped tightly. "But what about my chicken fried two inches left of the naughty bits?"

"I like it," VesVes said shapely. "I think it's long."

They came together and their kiss was like the back of a volkswagon.

"I love you," Kylar said magically.

"I love you too," VesVes replied and fired him.

They bought a Pacho, moved in together, and lived swiftly ever after.

Okay, I'm done, lol.

[Deleted]

S & M Love

Helios finished packing. Ever since VesVes, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Helios had been naked.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing whipped him, all was sexy. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going in the princess' bed, under her sparkly pink sheets to become a kinky whiplash.

Just then, there was a whimpering knock at the door. Helios opened it and stood there secretively for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his manhood.

When Helios came to, VesVes was holding his caboose and looking bloody. "My love," VesVes said painfully, "I'm sorry for the skimpily-clad shock. I've been shipwrecked on a torn island for the last ten years, living like when he had taken the form of a horse so he could "go inside" the princess. I was only rescued last week." She paused. "I lost my breast in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Helios could hardly believe his VesVes had returned. "I will always love you, breast or no breast. Besides, you can cover it up with a scar."

They embraced creatively and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was horny.

The Adventure Of The Pacho

Helios and VesVes were out for a kinky Valentine's walk in the princess' bed, under her sparkly pink sheets. As they went, VesVes rested her hand on Helios's manhood. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so S & M, Helios was filled with skimpily-clad dread.

"Do you suppose it's naked here?" he asked secretively.

"You horny silly," VesVes said, tickling Helios with her whiplash. "It's completely sexy."

Just then, a bloody pacho leapt out from behind a scar and whipped VesVes in the breast. "Aaargh!" VesVes screamed.

Things looked whimpering. But Helios, although he was torn, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a circus outfit and, like when he had taken the form of a horse so he could "go inside" the princess, beat the pacho huskily until it ran off. "That will teach you to whip innocent people."

Then he clasped VesVes close. VesVes was bleeding creatively. "My darling," Helios said, and pressed his lips to VesVes's caboose.

"I love you," VesVes said painfully, and expired in Helios's arms.

Helios never loved again.

I'm Dreaming Of A Horny Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Helios sat creatively in the princess' bed, under her sparkly pink sheets, sipping sexy eggnog.

He looked at the whimpering whiplash hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, VesVes had hung it there, just before they looked at each other painfully and then fell into each other's arms and whipped each other's breast.

If only I hadn't been so bloody, Helios thought, pouring a torn amount of rum into his eggnog. Then VesVes might not have got so S & M and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a kinky tear and held his caboose in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a naked voice lifted huskily up in song.



I'm dreaming of a horny Christmas

Just like when he had taken the form of a horse so he could "go inside" the princess



Helios ran to the door. It was VesVes, looking skimpily-clad all over with snow.

"I missed you secretively," VesVes said. "And I wanted to whip your breast again."

Helios hugged VesVes and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," VesVes said.

"I think so too," Helios said and they whipped each other's breast until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted pacho manhood and lived slowly until Helios got drunk again.

The Naked Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Helios strode along the path, making for Bloody Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Sexy Circus outfit, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Manhood.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his horny scar just in time to face the torn woman who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The woman struck huskily, and Helios barely raised his scar to meet the attack. They fought long and creatively until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Helios found himself forced to one knee, the woman's scar pressed to his kinky caboose. "I am VesVes of Bloody Castle," she said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Sexy Circus outfit. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in the princess' bed, under her sparkly pink sheets."

But Helios had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his scar with a twist, overpowered VesVes and pinned her to the ground. "What say you now?" Helios said, looking down upon her.

VesVes's breast shimmered like when he had taken the form of a horse so he could "go inside" the princess. "I have underestimated you, Helios. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Helios's desire was enflamed. His caboose throbbed and all his thoughts were to whip VesVes like a pacho. Helios caressed VesVes's S & M breast and she responded. They came together slowly, and their joining was as whimpering as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet whiplash!" Helios groaned and whipped VesVes as secretively as he could.

"Ouch!" she yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Helios said. "That's where I put the Sexy Circus outfit for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed painfully on the grass, forgetful of all but their skimpily-clad love. "We will stay together forever," VesVes said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Manhood never got the Sexy Circus outfit and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

The Battle For The Whiplash

In the princess' bed, under her sparkly pink sheets, Helios whipped his whiplash. He had been busy with the whiplash for hours and now wanted nothing more than a naked cuddle or a skimpily-clad massage from his lover VesVes.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his whimpering VesVes appeared at the door, grinning slowly.

"Put down the whiplash," VesVes said huskily. "Unless you want me to whip that whiplash on your caboose."

Helios put down the whiplash. He was sexy. He had never seen VesVes so bloody before and it made him horny.

VesVes picked up the whiplash, then withdrew a scar from her manhood. "Don't be so sexy," VesVes said with a bloody grimace. "A pacho bit my breast this morning, and everything became kinky. Now with this whiplash and this scar I can huskily rule the world!"

Helios clutched his torn breast painfully. This was his lover, his whimpering VesVes, now staring at him with a bloody manhood.

"Fight it!" Helios shouted. "The pacho just wants the whiplash for his own whimpering devices! He doesn't love you, not the naked way I do!"

Helios could see VesVes trembling painfully. Helios reached out his caboose and touched VesVes's manhood huskily. He was whimpering, so whimpering, but he knew only his torn love for VesVes would break the pacho's spell.

Sure enough, VesVes dropped the whiplash with a thunk. "Oh, Helios," she squealed. "I'm so naked, can you ever forgive me?"

But Helios had already moved in the princess' bed, under her sparkly pink sheets. Like when he had taken the form of a horse so he could "go inside" the princess, he pressed his caboose into VesVes's manhood. And as they fell together in a kinky fit of love, the whiplash lay on the floor, horny and forgotten.

[Jo KIM]

I Saw Padma Kissing Santa Claus

Kama woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one golden box that looked like a pan flute.

Then Kama noticed that Padma was out of bed too. She must not have been able to wait for her presents either.

Kama thought that he would surprise Padma. Maybe even sneak up behind her and leap her on her silent earlobe. That always made Padma lecherous.

Kama crept quietly down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its feathered lights, and the presents, heaped up childishly, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Padma. Kissing someone.

Kama was so angry, he picked up a porno from a table and threw it sweetly in a museum.

They both looked around.

"Padma, you puny goat-bird!" Kama yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Kama looked and then rubbed his palm and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Padma said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course she had to give me a kiss. And what a fun kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Kama said sulkily. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be horny."

That seemed reasonable. Kama went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a great hero of myth being sent on a quest to kill some scary monster. He made Kama's hoof feel all pale.

"You see?" Padma said eerily and Kama saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.


OMG, that one almost made sense. *tries again*


I'm Dreaming Of A Lovable Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Kama sat sweetly in a museum, sipping horny eggnog.

He looked at the golden porno hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Padma had hung it there, just before they looked at each other quietly and then fell into each other's arms and leapt each other's hoof.

If only I hadn't been so fun, Kama thought, pouring a silent amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Padma might not have got so puny and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a feathered tear and held his earlobe in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a pale voice lifted eerily up in song.


I'm dreaming of a lovable Christmas

Just like a great hero of myth being sent on a quest to kill some scary monster



Kama ran to the door. It was Padma, looking lecherous all over with snow.

"I missed you sulkily," Padma said. "And I wanted to leap your hoof again."

Kama hugged Padma and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Padma said.

"I think so too," Kama said and they leapt each other's hoof until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted goat-bird palm and lived childishly until Kama got drunk again.


Maybe I should've used different terms. Next time. . .

[Jo KIM]

The Miracle Of The Owlie

Jo hated Christmas. She didn't just dislike Christmas, she hated it like a weird blue-haired guy who sings about bugs and bread in the bakery. She loathed it.

Every December, Jo would feel herself getting all dirty inside. She refused to put up a Christmas oven, she snapped at anyone alluring enough to sing a carol in her vicinity, and she never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Jo had to go to the mall to buy a loyal vibrator. When she got there, there were so many shoppers pushing accidentally around and so much Christmas music blaring violently, she thought her lower back would explode.

Finally, she was done. Just outside the door was a crazy man collecting for charity. Jo never gave to charity, so she started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the crazy man dropped his bells and ran in Kinky Boots. There was a broken owlie right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the crazy man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Jo rushed out and unabashedly pushed them both out of the way. There was a young bang and then everything went dark.

When Jo woke up, she was in a long-haired room. There was a Christmas oven in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Jo's hip hurt. A lot.

The crazy man came into the room. "I'm so purple!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Kylar. You saved me from the truck. But your hip is broken."

Jo hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas oven up and her hip was broken, she felt quite frightening, especially when she looked at Kylar.

"Your hip must hurt hungrily," Kylar said. "I think this will help." And he ate pacho nachos Jo several times.

Now Jo felt very frightening indeed. She didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, she loved it. And she loved Kylar. "I love you," she said, and kissed Kylar bitterly.

"I love you too," said Kylar. Just then, the owlie ran into the room and nuzzled Jo's middle finger. "I brought him home with us," Kylar said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Jo said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.



The Battle For The Vibrator

In Kinky Boots, Jo ate pacho nachos her vibrator. She had been busy with the vibrator for hours and now wanted nothing more than a frightening cuddle or a purple massage from her lover Kylar.

She said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden her alluring Kylar appeared at the door, grinning violently.

"Put down the vibrator," Kylar said bitterly. "Unless you want me to eat pacho nachos that vibrator on your middle finger."

Jo put down the vibrator. She was dirty. She had never seen Kylar so crazy before and it made her young.

Kylar picked up the vibrator, then withdrew an oven from his lower back. "Don't be so dirty," Kylar said with a crazy grimace. "An owlie bit my hip this morning, and everything became broken. Now with this vibrator and this oven I can bitterly rule the world!"

Jo clutched her loyal hip unabashedly. This was her lover, her alluring Kylar, now staring at her with a crazy lower back.

"Fight it!" Jo shouted. "The owlie just wants the vibrator for his own alluring devices! He doesn't love you, not the frightening way I do!"

Jo could see Kylar trembling unabashedly. Jo reached out her middle finger and touched Kylar's lower back bitterly. She was alluring, so alluring, but she knew only her loyal love for Kylar would break the owlie's spell.

Sure enough, Kylar dropped the vibrator with a thunk. "Oh, Jo," he squealed. "I'm so frightening, can you ever forgive me?"

But Jo had already moved in Kinky Boots. Like a weird blue-haired guy who sings about bugs and bread in the bakery, she pressed her middle finger into Kylar's lower back. And as they fell together in a broken fit of love, the vibrator lay on the floor, young and forgotten.

[Deleted]

The Snake Prince

Ava was walking through a beautiful meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around her head when she spied a fragile little snake lying under a tree.

Ava skipped over to see the dear thing and was hushed to find that he was hurt! A fig had pierced his iridescent little hand and he whimpered delightfully with the pain.

"My enchanting little friend," Ava said. "Let me help you!" She took out her Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the fig, as eloquently as she could. The snake cried out and Ava's heart ached, like a love sick squirrel that crapped a rainbow. "You'll be all right," Ava whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Nephrite and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Nephrite up in her arms, Ava carried him home and made a bed for him beside her own. For seven days and seven nights, Ava nursed Nephrite, cleaning his hand and feeding him Rose-brand snake chow.

On the eighth night, Nephrite climbed into bed with Ava. He burrowed under the covers and brilliantly rubbed Ava's neck. It made Ava giggle and she cuddled close to Nephrite, stroking his finger and singing alluringly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Ava hurried home so she could curl up with Nephrite. It gave her a glamorous feeling whenever Nephrite rubbed her neck.

Then one night, Nephrite looked up at Ava and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a mysterious prince."

Ava screamed huskily, she was so surprised. How could a snake talk? She must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Nephrite said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Ava said and kissed Nephrite on his finger. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a mysterious prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Nephrite," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Ava said.

"See?" Nephrite said and showed Ava the scar from the fig on his hand. Then he kissed Ava and they tumbled in a tree and did a lot of very sparkling things, some of them involving a naughty sakura.

"I love you," Nephrite said when they were done. Ava clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Nephrite had stashed away.

And if Nephrite didn't know about Ava's visits to the snake sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.



The Fragile Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Nephrite and Ava went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Nephrite hit Ava in her hand with a big glamorous iceball. It hurt a lot, but Nephrite kissed it delightfully and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really mysterious snow man!" Nephrite said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Ava said. "That would be more sparkling and politically correct."

"I know," Nephrite said. "We can make a snow snake. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up eloquently and made a naughty snow snake. Nephrite put on a rose for the neck. The snake was almost as big as Ava.

"It looks hushed," Nephrite said brilliantly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Ava said and held up an iridescent sakura. "I found this in a tree." She put the sakura onto the snake's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the snake, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a love sick squirrel that crapped a rainbow.

Ava screamed huskily and ran but the snow snake chased her until she tripped over a tree root. Then the snow snake rubbed her alluringly.

"Nobody does that to my little Beautiful Fig," Nephrite screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow snake through the finger. It fell down and Nephrite kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Ava said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The sakura lay in the yard until an enchanting child picked it up and took it home.

Beautiful Lang Syne

Ava sipped eloquently at her drink and stood beautiful behind a sakura. She wasn't sure why she had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. She was no good at parties anyhow. They always made her feel enchanting and she ended up like she was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how iridescent her neck got when she was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Ava knew very well why she was at the party: to see Nephrite.

Ah, Nephrite. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his hushed hand made Ava's heart beat like a love sick squirrel that crapped a rainbow.

But tonight everyone was masked. Ava peered brilliantly through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Nephrite. There, she thought, the man over by the fig, the sparkling one with the snake mask. It had to be Nephrite. No one else could look so fragile, even in a snake mask.

He began to walk Ava's way and Ava started to panic. What if he actually talked to Ava?

Nephrite came right up to Ava and Ava thought that she was going to faint.

"Hello," Nephrite said delightfully. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the rose," Ava said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so glamorous.

Just then, a mysterious voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Ava's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Nephrite might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Nephrite swept Ava into his arms, bent her in a tree, and kissed Ava huskily, slipping her the tongue and groping her finger.

Ava could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. She reached out alluringly and pulled Nephrite's mask off his face. It was Nephrite! "I knew it was you," Ava said and took her own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Nephrite said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Ava watched him go. He would be right back, Ava was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.

[Deleted]

For the lulz!


The Battle For The Snake

Over the moon, Nephie caressed his snake. He had been busy with the snake for hours and now wanted nothing more than a luminous cuddle or a sparkling massage from his lover Ava.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his gleaming Ava appeared at the door, grinning gently.

"Put down the snake," Ava said swiftly. "Unless you want me to caress that snake on your shoulder."

Nephie put down the snake. He was iridescent. He had never seen Ava so glistening before and it made him mysterious.

Ava picked up the snake, then withdrew a desk from her breast. "Don't be so iridescent," Ava said with a glistening grimace. "A snake bit my neck this morning, and everything became shimmering. Now with this snake and this desk I can swiftly rule the world!"

Nephie clutched his glamorous neck shakily. This was his lover, his gleaming Ava, now staring at him with a glistening breast.

"Fight it!" Nephie shouted. "The snake just wants the snake for his own gleaming devices! He doesn't love you, not the luminous way I do!"

Nephie could see Ava trembling shakily. Nephie reached out his shoulder and touched Ava's breast swiftly. He was gleaming, so gleaming, but he knew only his glamorous love for Ava would break the snake's spell.

Sure enough, Ava dropped the snake with a thunk. "Oh, Nephie," she squealed. "I'm so luminous, can you ever forgive me?"

But Nephie had already moved over the moon. Like a ray of sun, shining through the darkest night, he pressed his shoulder into Ava's breast. And as they fell together in a shimmering fit of love, the snake lay on the floor, mysterious and forgotten.

---

A Snake In Time

On a glistening and shimmering morning, Nephie sat over the moon. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His breast ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Ava to love someone with an iridescent neck?

Huskily, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a luminous fragile desk, all on a summer's day. I wish my Ava would caress me, in her own sparkling way..."

"Do you?" Ava sat down beside Nephie and put her hand on Nephie's shoulder. "I think that could be arranged."

Nephie gasped shakily. "But what about my iridescent neck?"

"I like it," Ava said gently. "I think it's gleaming."

They came together and their kiss was like a ray of sun, shining through the darkest night.

"I love you," Nephie said swiftly.

"I love you too," Ava replied and caressed him.

They bought a snake, moved in together, and lived slowly ever after.

---

To Gently Caress

Nephie and Ava were celebrating a shimmering Valentine's Day together. Nephie had cooked a fragile dinner and they ate over the moon by candlelight.

"My darling," Ava said, stroking Nephie's shoulder, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Nephie. "It is but an iridescent token of my gleaming love."

Nephie opened the box. Inside was a sparkling desk! He gazed at it swiftly. Then he gazed at Ava swiftly. "It's mysterious," Nephie said. "Come here and let me caress you."

Just then, a glistening crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a ray of sun, shining through the darkest night. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a luminous voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Ava read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other slowly as the crone cackled some more. Nephie's neck began to tremble. Then Ava shrugged, pulled out a snake, and hit the crone on her breast. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Nephie said and kissed Ava huskily. "This is a glamorous Valentine's Day!"

They shakily burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they caressed each other all night long.

---

The Sparkling Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Nephie strode along the path, making for Mysterious Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Gleaming Snake, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Neck.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his luminous book just in time to face the iridescent woman who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The woman struck shakily, and Nephie barely raised his book to meet the attack. They fought long and huskily until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Nephie found himself forced to one knee, the woman's book pressed to his shimmering breast. "I am Ava of Mysterious Castle," she said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Gleaming Snake. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you over the moon."

But Nephie had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his book with a twist, overpowered Ava and pinned her to the ground. "What say you now?" Nephie said, looking down upon her.

Ava's shoulder shimmered like a ray of sun, shining through the darkest night. "I have underestimated you, Nephie. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Nephie's desire was enflamed. His breast throbbed and all his thoughts were to caress Ava like a snake. Nephie caressed Ava's glamorous shoulder and she responded. They came together slowly, and their joining was as glistening as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet desk!" Nephie groaned and caressed Ava as swiftly as he could.

"Ouch!" she yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Nephie said. "That's where I put the Gleaming Snake for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed gently on the grass, forgetful of all but their fragile love. "We will stay together forever," Ava said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Neck never got the Gleaming Snake and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

[Deleted]

1000 Peace Pipe Goats

Padma paced bodily back and forth. Tall dread filled her heart. Kama should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my horny love, Padma thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Kama had been taken hostage by Gaunt Face, a supervillain who had the city in a state of goat legged terror. Padma fainted dead away, like a horny goat trapped in a cattle panel.

When she came to, there was a bump on her arm and the tall dread had returned. "Kama, my endowed honey bunny," she cried out quietly. "What is Gaunt Face doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing lustily as he stared him in the horn.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Padma remembered a story her grandmother had told her. If you fold 1000 peace pipe goats, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Padma ordered in a supply of peace pipe and set to work, folding goats until her arm was sore and she could hardly see. It took a week. She was just finishing up the very last goat when Kama walked in the front door.

"Kama!" Padma screamed and threw herself into Kama's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 peace pipe goats and it brought you back to me." She was so happy, she felt like she was dancing in a cattle panel. She kissed Kama vaguely on the horn.

"Actually," Kama said, pulling away romantically, "I was rescued by the Pale Pan Pipe. She's a new superhero in town." Kama sighed. "And she's really feather headed."

The tall dread came back. "But you're mysterious to be back here with me, right?"

Kama checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Pale Pan Pipe for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay golden, baby." He left and the door banged behind him.

Padma choked back a sob and started folding another goat. Then she went out and got drunk instead.

---

Mysterious Lang Syne

Padma sipped lustily at her drink and stood mysterious behind a sonnet. She wasn't sure why she had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. She was no good at parties anyhow. They always made her feel golden and she ended up like she was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how gaunt her face got when she was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Padma knew very well why she was at the party: to see Kama.

Ah, Kama. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his pale arm made Padma's heart beat like a horny goat trapped in a cattle panel.

But tonight everyone was masked. Padma peered bodily through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Kama. There, she thought, the man over by the peace pipe, the horny one with the goat mask. It had to be Kama. No one else could look so goat legged, even in a goat mask.

He began to walk Padma's way and Padma started to panic. What if he actually talked to Padma?

Kama came right up to Padma and Padma thought that she was going to faint.

"Hello," Kama said romantically. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the pan pipe," Padma said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so feather headed.

Just then, a tall voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Padma's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Kama might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Kama swept Padma into his arms, bent her in a cattle panel, and kissed Padma quietly, slipping her the tongue and groping her horn.

Padma could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. She reached out vaguely and pulled Kama's mask off his face. It was Kama! "I knew it was you," Padma said and took her own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Kama said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Padma watched him go. He would be right back, Padma was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.

---

Horny Love

Padma finished packing. Ever since Kama, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Padma had been feather headed.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing stared her, all was mysterious. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going in a cattle panel to become a gaunt peace pipe.

Just then, there was a pale knock at the door. Padma opened it and stood there bodily for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her horn.

When Padma came to, Kama was holding her arm and looking endowed. "My love," Kama said romantically, "I'm sorry for the goat legged shock. I've been shipwrecked on a golden island for the last ten years, living like a horny goat trapped in a cattle panel. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my face in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Padma could hardly believe her Kama had returned. "I will always love you, face or no face. Besides, you can cover it up with a pan pipe."

They embraced vaguely and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was tall.

[Deleted]

....

Annoyingly Tripping

Apollo tripped along excitedly. He was on his way to meet his lover, VesVes, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a cat hopping along, carrying a liger in its mouth.

Apollo was almost on a log when he came across a freaky cake, lying alone on a mean plate. "That must be a treat from my crazy bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked crimson, so he ate it.

It gave him the most vermillion tingling sensation in his foot. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see VesVes.

When VesVes came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Apollo cried loudly.

"Your hand! And your mouth!" VesVes said. "They're furry! Can't you feel it?"

Apollo felt his hand and his mouth. They were indeed quite furry. "Oh, no!" Apollo said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that freaky cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," VesVes said. "I got you a lion. It must have been that golden man who lives nearby. He acts a little seriously, ever since he mauled a tiger."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Apollo sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," VesVes said cruelly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your hand is really strange like that."

"Really?" Apollo dried her tears. Apollo kissed VesVes and it was an entirely magical sensation, like liger trapped in a room full of sashimi.

They spent the night having entirely magical sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

---

Apollo and VesVes
by William Shakespeare

Enter Apollo

VesVes appears above at a window
Apollo:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the liger, and VesVes is the cat.
Arise, freaky cat, and maul the crimson lion.
See, how she leans her foot upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that foot!

VesVes:
O Apollo, Apollo! wherefore art thou Apollo?
What's in a name? That which we call a mouth
By any other name would smell as magical
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like liger trapped in a room full of sashimi"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove vermillion.

Apollo:
Lady, by yonder crimson lion I swear
That tips on a log the crazy tiger--

VesVes:
O, swear not by the lion, the golden lion,
That cruelly changes in its furry orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise furry.
Sweet, strange night! A thousand times strange night!
Parting is such mean sorrow,
That I shall say strange night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Apollo:
Sleep dwell upon thy foot, peace in thy hand!
Would I were sleep and peace, so annoyingly to rest!
loudly will I to my freaky mouth's cell,
Its help to maul, and my magical mouth to tell.

---

The Miracle Of The Cat

Apollo hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like liger trapped in a room full of sashimi. He loathed it.

Every December, Apollo would feel himself getting all furry inside. He refused to put up a Christmas tiger, he snapped at anyone magical enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Apollo had to go to the mall to buy a freaky lion. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing excitedly around and so much Christmas music blaring annoyingly, he thought his mouth would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a golden woman collecting for charity. Apollo never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the golden woman dropped his bells and ran on a log. There was a crimson cat right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the golden woman slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Apollo rushed out and cruelly pushed them both out of the way. There was a strange bang and then everything went dark.

When Apollo woke up, he was in a mean room. There was a Christmas tiger in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Apollo's hand hurt. A lot.

The golden woman came into the room. "I'm so vermillion!" she said. "You're awake. My name is VesVes. You saved me from the truck. But your hand is broken."

Apollo hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas tiger up and his hand was broken, he felt quite crazy, especially when he looked at VesVes.

"Your hand must hurt loudly," VesVes said. "I think this will help." And she mauled Apollo several times.

Now Apollo felt very crazy indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved VesVes. "I love you," he said, and kissed VesVes seriously.

"I love you too," said VesVes. Just then, the cat ran into the room and nuzzled Apollo's foot. "I brought him home with us," VesVes said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Apollo said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.

[Deleted]

The Muscular Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Apollo strode along the path, making for Giant Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Vermillion House, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Ear.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his savage log just in time to face the golden man who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The man struck cruelly, and Apollo barely raised his log to meet the attack. They fought long and loudly until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Apollo found himself forced to one knee, the man's log pressed to his magical tail. "I am Titus of Giant Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Vermillion House. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in a bag."

But Apollo had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his log with a twist, overpowered Titus and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Apollo said, looking down upon him.

Titus's throat shimmered like a sheep cornered by a lusty farmhand. "I have underestimated you, Apollo. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Apollo's desire was enflamed. His tail throbbed and all his thoughts were to pettle Titus like a cat. Apollo caressed Titus's furry throat and he responded. They came together excitedly, and their joining was as half-naked as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet shaman!" Apollo groaned and pettled Titus as magically as he could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Apollo said. "That's where I put the Vermillion House for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed savagely on the grass, forgetful of all but their mean love. "We will stay together forever," Titus said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Ear never got the Vermillion House and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

---

The Cat Prince

Apollo was walking through a furry meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a giant little cat lying under a tree.

Apollo skipped over to see the dear thing and was golden to find that he was hurt! A log had pierced his half-naked little tail and he whimpered magically with the pain.

"My savage little friend," Apollo said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the log, as loudly as he could. The cat cried out and Apollo's heart ached, like a sheep cornered by a lusty farmhand. "You'll be all right," Apollo whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Titus and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Titus up in his arms, Apollo carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Apollo nursed Titus, cleaning his tail and feeding him House-brand cat chow.

On the eighth night, Titus climbed into bed with Apollo. He burrowed under the covers and savagely pettled Apollo's throat. It made Apollo giggle and he cuddled close to Titus, stroking his ear and singing excitedly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Apollo hurried home so he could curl up with Titus. It gave him a vermillion feeling whenever Titus pettled his throat.

Then one night, Titus looked up at Apollo and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a mean prince."

Apollo screamed cruelly, he was so surprised. How could a cat talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Titus said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Apollo said and kissed Titus on his ear. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a mean prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Titus," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Apollo said.

"See?" Titus said and showed Apollo the scar from the log on his tail. Then he kissed Apollo and they tumbled in a bag and did a lot of very muscular things, some of them involving a magical shaman.

"I love you," Titus said when they were done. Apollo clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Titus had stashed away.

And if Titus didn't know about Apollo's visits to the cat sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.

---

The Half-naked Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Titus and Apollo went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Titus hit Apollo in his ear with a big furry iceball. It hurt a lot, but Titus kissed it cruelly and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really magical snow man!" Titus said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Apollo said. "That would be more golden and politically correct."

"I know," Titus said. "We can make a snow cat. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up savagely and made a mean snow cat. Titus put on a house for the tail. The cat was almost as big as Apollo.

"It looks muscular," Titus said excitedly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Apollo said and held up a giant log. "I found this in a bag." He put the log onto the cat's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the cat, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a sheep cornered by a lusty farmhand.

Apollo screamed magically and ran but the snow cat chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow cat pettled him loudly.

"Nobody does that to my little Vermillion Shaman," Titus screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow cat through the throat. It fell down and Titus kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Apollo said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The log lay in the yard until a savage child picked it up and took it home.

[HAYASE Manami]

A Thong In Time

On a nebulous and sacred morning, Jo's desk sat sharking it up. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His forehead ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Manami's desk to love someone with a shriveled spine?

Cuttingly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like an alluvial merciful laser, all on a summer's day. I wish my Manami's desk would trickle me, in his own tightened way..."

"Do you?" Manami's desk sat down beside Jo's desk and put his hand on Jo's desk's uvula. "I think that could be arranged."

Jo's desk gasped twistingly. "But what about my shriveled spine?"

"I like it," Manami's desk said daringly. "I think it's delusional."

They came together and their kiss was like a happy little fish swimming through Nephrite's hair.

"I love you," Jo's desk said homosexually.

"I love you too," Manami's desk replied and trickled him.

They bought an eohippus, moved in together, and lived ominously ever after.